Alone in Iowa

Alone in Iowa and heartbroken
Today has been the hardest day I have had since Johnnie died. I lost my best friend once again. Not to death like last time but by his choice. I don't know what is worse, loosing someone without being able to say good-bye and to death. Or having someone choose to no longer have you in their life and having to say good-bye and walk away. I feel like I can't breath. Like something has been ripped out of me.

Mike and I have been best friends for 9 almost 10 years. We have worked together, traveled together, and lived together. I would say he knows me better than anyone on this planet. I can be 100% myself we him and know that I wont be judged. One problem he was madly in love with me. I wanted to be in love with him, I really, really, did. I tried, with all my heart I tried. He made me so happy and I wanted to make him happy, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted or tried I could not force feelings. I don't know why, maybe I do. But I wanted us to work and do and have all the things we dreamed of and talked about for 10 years. We had great plans. But I guess my heart had other plans.

I knew he was leaving today when I left but still to come home to a empty house was still a shock. I guess I didn't think he would really leave me. How could he leave me? I thought he would be the one person in my life who would never leave. Yet here I sit alone in "our" apartment in Iowa. I have never been or felt more alone in my life. I have no one here. I know no one here. I knew we were not working and I had planned on getting my own place but I thought we would still be friends. Still talk. Still do things together. But Nope he wants to never hear or see me again. This wouldn't be as hard if it wasn't for that. To never see or talk to him again. Its the most painful feeling ever. Like a death.

I have my new apartment all ready now I just have to move in. I have no one here to help me so I have to hire movers. And I guess I have to try to move on and make a new life Alone in Iowa. That is if I can ever stop crying and breath again.