I think

I should starting writting in here more. I think I need a outlet and this is it since I don't think anyone I know reads it. Right now I should be working on my research paper that is due tomorrow but I can not seem to bring my self to do it. I don't know why it's a topic near and dear to my heart. Self mutilation. I just can't bring myself to sit down and put into words. I'm tired for no reason I slept like 12 hours. I think I am just depressed. Maybe it's the weather or time of year. I feel like I am exsiting instead of living. I want to live. I wish I could just pack up and travel and drive from place to place meeting new people but never staying one place to long. That way you can fool yourself into thinking life is better that what it really is. But I can't and it's not. But I really should go write this paper and study. Maybe if I ever finish school I will have the freedom I seek.

Alone in Iowa

Alone in Iowa and heartbroken
Today has been the hardest day I have had since Johnnie died. I lost my best friend once again. Not to death like last time but by his choice. I don't know what is worse, loosing someone without being able to say good-bye and to death. Or having someone choose to no longer have you in their life and having to say good-bye and walk away. I feel like I can't breath. Like something has been ripped out of me.

Mike and I have been best friends for 9 almost 10 years. We have worked together, traveled together, and lived together. I would say he knows me better than anyone on this planet. I can be 100% myself we him and know that I wont be judged. One problem he was madly in love with me. I wanted to be in love with him, I really, really, did. I tried, with all my heart I tried. He made me so happy and I wanted to make him happy, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted or tried I could not force feelings. I don't know why, maybe I do. But I wanted us to work and do and have all the things we dreamed of and talked about for 10 years. We had great plans. But I guess my heart had other plans.

I knew he was leaving today when I left but still to come home to a empty house was still a shock. I guess I didn't think he would really leave me. How could he leave me? I thought he would be the one person in my life who would never leave. Yet here I sit alone in "our" apartment in Iowa. I have never been or felt more alone in my life. I have no one here. I know no one here. I knew we were not working and I had planned on getting my own place but I thought we would still be friends. Still talk. Still do things together. But Nope he wants to never hear or see me again. This wouldn't be as hard if it wasn't for that. To never see or talk to him again. Its the most painful feeling ever. Like a death.

I have my new apartment all ready now I just have to move in. I have no one here to help me so I have to hire movers. And I guess I have to try to move on and make a new life Alone in Iowa. That is if I can ever stop crying and breath again.

changes

"Dear, dear, how queer everything is today! And yesterday everything went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is: Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
-Lewis Carrol

There are several changes I want to make in my life. I plan on setting them in motion.
1. get my own place.
2. do great in school.
3. save money to buy a house and a newer car
4. Find some one who will love me as much as I love them (this seems to be the hardest one)
5. become healther
6. Be happy with who I am
7. Be able to stand on my own 2 feet with out any help from anyone.
8. Slow down and enjoy life
thats all for now.

Wow so this is dead on, crazy

Ok so I took this personality test today and I am a RED(whatever) But man it is really accurate. Kinda crazy. At least I can fess up I am a bitch and I know it.

Nobody Dates Like A RED
This is true. When you are in pursuit of something (or somebody!), you tend to go all out. You dress to impress, you get the limo, the tickets, the flowers, the reservations, and the whole shebang. You by nature are a very competitive opponent to any other potential suitor who may come along, and you take great pleasure in taking home the prize.
(Im not that big on fancy shit, but I do go after what I want)

You Are Highly Protective Of Your Companion
When you commit to someone, they can feel your protection on all levels. You see them as part of you, and are willing to go to war verbally and even physically on their behalf. You will not back down or remain silent when your partner is being attacked. Your companion loves to know that he is being taken care of and that you will be there to back him up and defend him whenever necessary.
(That is dead on, I knew a few people that will back that up)

You Promote Interesting Experiences
REDS Are Excellent Providers (damn Right)
You Tell People Where They Stand In The Relationship (Guilty even if its being mean)
You Provide Natural Leadership
REDS Show up

Why your not

You Tend To Be Selfish
The number one reason that marriages fail today is selfishness, and unfortunately, as a RED, you tend to always be thinking about what's in it for you. If you always put your needs before those of someone you're dating or are involved with in a committed relationship, you will foster a sense of resentment that may ultimately cost you everything.
(Ok so I have been know to say I love myself more than anyone else, but not in a vain way, I just put myself first, If I don't who will? I have to be my own number 1 I have learned that the hard way)

You Can Be Uncomfortable With Emotions And Feelings
Logic is your strong suit, and you may feel uncomfortable or insecure when your partner gets emotional. You see this as weakness and may become adamant that he address such things in a more logical manner. When he does not, you become dismissive, when in reality, you are the laggard where matters of the heart are concerned. There is tremendous value in connecting emotionally, and if you cannot learn to do so, you and your partner will miss out.
(Ha, was just talking about this, there is nothing worse than a man crying like a little girl in a argument, it just pisses me off more, Be a man damn it)

You Always Have To Be Right (Well only because I usually am)
You Come Across As Harsh And Critical, Even When You Don't Mean To (yeah sorry)
You Can Be Cheap (am not this one is wrong)
You May Tend To Give Priority To Work Over Personal Relationships
You May Be A Poor Listener (this one is wrong to)
You Can Be Too Controlling And Domineering

Your needs
As a RED, you naturally want to be respected. In fact, it may be more important to you to be respected than loved. You also need for your partner to be worthy (and if needs be, demanding) of your respect. How can you love what you can't respect? You appreciate your partner more if they demand your respect than simply allow you free license to walk all over them.
(Part of the crying man conversation, I need a man to put me in my place or I will walk all over them, I need a alpha male to match me)

You Need To Appear Knowledgeable
You value your intellectual and logic-based abilities. You consider your ability to reason and problem-solve to be one of your greatest attributes. You want your partner to value this about you as well and to promote this image to others. If your partner were to ever embarrass you publicly, you would have a hard time ever getting over it.
(looks fade I would rather be smart than pretty any day, intelligence is sexy)

Cardigan is DONE!!

Ok so nothing exciting going on. I finally finished the cardigan for bri bri. I think it came out good but the seams are a little rough. I'm not so good at that yet. take a look Here is a close up of the swallows in the front.

School is going good. I have a test this Thursday, yippee. We now have 5 kittens living on our porch with now another 3 cats. So we have a total of 9 cats hanging out in on our porch. We have to stop feeding them so they will get lost. Mookie isn't comming around now because of all the other cats. He hasn't been here in over a week. I hope if these cats go away he will some back. Well have to get to studying, Night

Dead bodies rock

So today in lab we got to go check out the Cadaver Lab. It was really cool. We got to hold all the organs and poke and prod anything we wanted. It was really cool to get to touch and look at everything. I mean to learn which way the blood flows in the heart in one thing but to look at t heart and be able to point it out makes it click so much better. I heard a few people passed out. I don't know why it's not like everything is filled with blood and pink and gooey. Everything is gray and brownish colors, and everything has been preserved so it's all a little rubbery. Not like when you dissect a animal in class. We are going to be doing a lot of dissections. I know it's morbid to some but I really like doing that stuff and seeing what is inside of things, and how they work and function. In August they get a new body and my teacher said I could come and help him with the dissection if I want. Well that's all for now I have a crap load of homework to get done.

Dead bodies? Yippee!

So I started school yesterday. I think it is going to be a long process, I don't see myself making very many friends. But hopefully I will do well in the class. The dread the KREB cycle. I just don't get it but hopefully it will click some time soon. I need to finish school. I feel like such a looser, I'm 28, still not finished school, never been married, no kids, and never owned a home. LOOSER. I'm trying really trying hard not to. My goals right now are to finish school, once that is out of the way buy my own house (cause I'll be making bank) as for getting married. Well who knows if I will ever find the right guy. So far it hasn't been so great. I just don't seem to have luck with love.

Ok on to other things, Kit ton got some new nails yesterday. They are pink. We use soft claws instead of declawing. They are little plastic caps you glue on their nails so they can't scratch. They don't hurt them or anything and after about 5 minutes they forget they have them on. She also has a new toy she wanted me to show everyone. A shoe box, and she loves it.

I am almost finished with the baby's first tattoo cardigan for bri bri. I will post some pictures of it when I am done. I want to go canoeing soon. Well that is all for now I am kinda tired. I go to my lab tomorrow. Oh before I go I am SO excited we get to go to the cadaver lab and watch dissections, and dissect organs and stuff. It is going to be so cool. I can't wait. Ok off to bed I go.