I think

I should starting writting in here more. I think I need a outlet and this is it since I don't think anyone I know reads it. Right now I should be working on my research paper that is due tomorrow but I can not seem to bring my self to do it. I don't know why it's a topic near and dear to my heart. Self mutilation. I just can't bring myself to sit down and put into words. I'm tired for no reason I slept like 12 hours. I think I am just depressed. Maybe it's the weather or time of year. I feel like I am exsiting instead of living. I want to live. I wish I could just pack up and travel and drive from place to place meeting new people but never staying one place to long. That way you can fool yourself into thinking life is better that what it really is. But I can't and it's not. But I really should go write this paper and study. Maybe if I ever finish school I will have the freedom I seek.

Alone in Iowa

Alone in Iowa and heartbroken
Today has been the hardest day I have had since Johnnie died. I lost my best friend once again. Not to death like last time but by his choice. I don't know what is worse, loosing someone without being able to say good-bye and to death. Or having someone choose to no longer have you in their life and having to say good-bye and walk away. I feel like I can't breath. Like something has been ripped out of me.

Mike and I have been best friends for 9 almost 10 years. We have worked together, traveled together, and lived together. I would say he knows me better than anyone on this planet. I can be 100% myself we him and know that I wont be judged. One problem he was madly in love with me. I wanted to be in love with him, I really, really, did. I tried, with all my heart I tried. He made me so happy and I wanted to make him happy, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted or tried I could not force feelings. I don't know why, maybe I do. But I wanted us to work and do and have all the things we dreamed of and talked about for 10 years. We had great plans. But I guess my heart had other plans.

I knew he was leaving today when I left but still to come home to a empty house was still a shock. I guess I didn't think he would really leave me. How could he leave me? I thought he would be the one person in my life who would never leave. Yet here I sit alone in "our" apartment in Iowa. I have never been or felt more alone in my life. I have no one here. I know no one here. I knew we were not working and I had planned on getting my own place but I thought we would still be friends. Still talk. Still do things together. But Nope he wants to never hear or see me again. This wouldn't be as hard if it wasn't for that. To never see or talk to him again. Its the most painful feeling ever. Like a death.

I have my new apartment all ready now I just have to move in. I have no one here to help me so I have to hire movers. And I guess I have to try to move on and make a new life Alone in Iowa. That is if I can ever stop crying and breath again.

changes

"Dear, dear, how queer everything is today! And yesterday everything went on just as usual. I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think: Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is: Who in the world am I? Ah, that's the great puzzle!"
-Lewis Carrol

There are several changes I want to make in my life. I plan on setting them in motion.
1. get my own place.
2. do great in school.
3. save money to buy a house and a newer car
4. Find some one who will love me as much as I love them (this seems to be the hardest one)
5. become healther
6. Be happy with who I am
7. Be able to stand on my own 2 feet with out any help from anyone.
8. Slow down and enjoy life
thats all for now.

Wow so this is dead on, crazy

Ok so I took this personality test today and I am a RED(whatever) But man it is really accurate. Kinda crazy. At least I can fess up I am a bitch and I know it.

Nobody Dates Like A RED
This is true. When you are in pursuit of something (or somebody!), you tend to go all out. You dress to impress, you get the limo, the tickets, the flowers, the reservations, and the whole shebang. You by nature are a very competitive opponent to any other potential suitor who may come along, and you take great pleasure in taking home the prize.
(Im not that big on fancy shit, but I do go after what I want)

You Are Highly Protective Of Your Companion
When you commit to someone, they can feel your protection on all levels. You see them as part of you, and are willing to go to war verbally and even physically on their behalf. You will not back down or remain silent when your partner is being attacked. Your companion loves to know that he is being taken care of and that you will be there to back him up and defend him whenever necessary.
(That is dead on, I knew a few people that will back that up)

You Promote Interesting Experiences
REDS Are Excellent Providers (damn Right)
You Tell People Where They Stand In The Relationship (Guilty even if its being mean)
You Provide Natural Leadership
REDS Show up

Why your not

You Tend To Be Selfish
The number one reason that marriages fail today is selfishness, and unfortunately, as a RED, you tend to always be thinking about what's in it for you. If you always put your needs before those of someone you're dating or are involved with in a committed relationship, you will foster a sense of resentment that may ultimately cost you everything.
(Ok so I have been know to say I love myself more than anyone else, but not in a vain way, I just put myself first, If I don't who will? I have to be my own number 1 I have learned that the hard way)

You Can Be Uncomfortable With Emotions And Feelings
Logic is your strong suit, and you may feel uncomfortable or insecure when your partner gets emotional. You see this as weakness and may become adamant that he address such things in a more logical manner. When he does not, you become dismissive, when in reality, you are the laggard where matters of the heart are concerned. There is tremendous value in connecting emotionally, and if you cannot learn to do so, you and your partner will miss out.
(Ha, was just talking about this, there is nothing worse than a man crying like a little girl in a argument, it just pisses me off more, Be a man damn it)

You Always Have To Be Right (Well only because I usually am)
You Come Across As Harsh And Critical, Even When You Don't Mean To (yeah sorry)
You Can Be Cheap (am not this one is wrong)
You May Tend To Give Priority To Work Over Personal Relationships
You May Be A Poor Listener (this one is wrong to)
You Can Be Too Controlling And Domineering

Your needs
As a RED, you naturally want to be respected. In fact, it may be more important to you to be respected than loved. You also need for your partner to be worthy (and if needs be, demanding) of your respect. How can you love what you can't respect? You appreciate your partner more if they demand your respect than simply allow you free license to walk all over them.
(Part of the crying man conversation, I need a man to put me in my place or I will walk all over them, I need a alpha male to match me)

You Need To Appear Knowledgeable
You value your intellectual and logic-based abilities. You consider your ability to reason and problem-solve to be one of your greatest attributes. You want your partner to value this about you as well and to promote this image to others. If your partner were to ever embarrass you publicly, you would have a hard time ever getting over it.
(looks fade I would rather be smart than pretty any day, intelligence is sexy)

Cardigan is DONE!!

Ok so nothing exciting going on. I finally finished the cardigan for bri bri. I think it came out good but the seams are a little rough. I'm not so good at that yet. take a look Here is a close up of the swallows in the front.

School is going good. I have a test this Thursday, yippee. We now have 5 kittens living on our porch with now another 3 cats. So we have a total of 9 cats hanging out in on our porch. We have to stop feeding them so they will get lost. Mookie isn't comming around now because of all the other cats. He hasn't been here in over a week. I hope if these cats go away he will some back. Well have to get to studying, Night

Dead bodies rock

So today in lab we got to go check out the Cadaver Lab. It was really cool. We got to hold all the organs and poke and prod anything we wanted. It was really cool to get to touch and look at everything. I mean to learn which way the blood flows in the heart in one thing but to look at t heart and be able to point it out makes it click so much better. I heard a few people passed out. I don't know why it's not like everything is filled with blood and pink and gooey. Everything is gray and brownish colors, and everything has been preserved so it's all a little rubbery. Not like when you dissect a animal in class. We are going to be doing a lot of dissections. I know it's morbid to some but I really like doing that stuff and seeing what is inside of things, and how they work and function. In August they get a new body and my teacher said I could come and help him with the dissection if I want. Well that's all for now I have a crap load of homework to get done.

Dead bodies? Yippee!

So I started school yesterday. I think it is going to be a long process, I don't see myself making very many friends. But hopefully I will do well in the class. The dread the KREB cycle. I just don't get it but hopefully it will click some time soon. I need to finish school. I feel like such a looser, I'm 28, still not finished school, never been married, no kids, and never owned a home. LOOSER. I'm trying really trying hard not to. My goals right now are to finish school, once that is out of the way buy my own house (cause I'll be making bank) as for getting married. Well who knows if I will ever find the right guy. So far it hasn't been so great. I just don't seem to have luck with love.

Ok on to other things, Kit ton got some new nails yesterday. They are pink. We use soft claws instead of declawing. They are little plastic caps you glue on their nails so they can't scratch. They don't hurt them or anything and after about 5 minutes they forget they have them on. She also has a new toy she wanted me to show everyone. A shoe box, and she loves it.

I am almost finished with the baby's first tattoo cardigan for bri bri. I will post some pictures of it when I am done. I want to go canoeing soon. Well that is all for now I am kinda tired. I go to my lab tomorrow. Oh before I go I am SO excited we get to go to the cadaver lab and watch dissections, and dissect organs and stuff. It is going to be so cool. I can't wait. Ok off to bed I go.

Whitty Kitty

My cat has this ball that she like to play with, it use to have some feathers attached to it but they are long gone. There are just enough feather nub to it that she can carry the ball around with it and then drop it on the smooth kitchen surface and play. Well today I showed her that it bounces too. This is a wonderful new thought to her. She is a smart kitty I will give her that, she now will carry the ball to the top of "her" chair (yes she has her own chair..I know) and drop it off the top so it will bounce. I thought it was pretty good of her to figure this out.

Watch out

I'm going to be out of control. I went to Barnes and noble today. I swear I can't just spend 15 bucks in there like everyone else. I have to pend at least 80 every single time I go in. And thats with my member discount! Anyways, I bought a few new knitting books with kick ass patterns. So let the yarn start flying. Everyone can expect to get a knitted goody in the mail. Also I start school on Monday. I'm excited but nervous, when I went to the campus to buy my books, I was the OLDEST person there not a teacher. SAD. I might just loose it if some kid raises their hand and asks permission to use the bathroom. I'm going to be the old lady, sitting up front, taking all the notes. I just hope I do good. Oh and one thing I LOVE about this school. You can register and pay for everything online. LOVE IT. God I hated long lines to register, sending you to 8 different building taking 8 hours, for what took my 15 minutes this time. Ok later

Ah HA

Ok so I finally figured out my pattern. I am so proud of myself. I like being able to work things out for myself. Yippee I can continue on. I am sure i will get stuck again. I will take some pictures tomorrw on how it's comming along. Right now it looks like a whole lot of nothing. My biggest worry is sewing all the pieces together. I am not very good a seams. Eek. Night

Damn baby sweater

Ok so I am frustrated, I had told the rescue team I would bring the dogs to the new rescue about two hours away on Saturday, but X has just informed me that he is leaving to go out of town for two days starting tomorrow. And taking the good truck. My car would never make it so I have to cancel on them and that makes me feel like shit. Like I am letting the team down and the dogs most important.
Ok on another note I am now knitting a cute little cardigan for my niece for her first birthday. If you are a knitter it is the baby's first tattoo with the swallows on the front from S&B. Anyways I finished the back and now I am stuck. I am not very good at reading patterns yet, I am a new knitter, and this pattern is just worded funny. So I am either going to have to keep working on this and frogging it till I get it right (already done twice) or wait till morning and go to the YS and beg for help. I really wish there were more knitters or a Stitch and bitch around here. All the knitters I have met are like 80 and freaked out by me. Grrr. Ok I think I am going to try to get this ONE more time. Then I will have to wait it out till morning. I will never be able to sleep cause it will drive me nuts. Why can't they just write these out in english.

The MAN of the hour MOOKIE

I love this guy so much those other cats are not worthy of being in the same post as him. Meet Mookie
"what are you doing with that thing flashing at me?"

He is the most Handsome cat ever. He showed up at our apartment pretty much as soon as we moved in. He is a little beat up, but he is a sweet heart. At least he wants to be. He comes up to the sceen and rubs his head on it if you have your hand on it. If he sees you he fips over on his back and rolls around. That is until you open the sceen. Then he runs about 2 feet away and gives a sad meow. He want's to be loved SOOO bad but is still a little scared. He has just started letting me touch the top of his head a little but he jumps. If I keep my hand over part of the bowl he will eat and rub his head on my hand. We are working on things. When I move I am going to get a cat trap and trap him and take him with me. And then I will spoil him rotten.

"Ok that thing is freaking me out"

And I just love the little pattern on the top of his head. Isn't it pretty.

I LOVE this cat. He wants to be cuddled and loved so bad but is just so unsure of things. I can't wait till I can make him a house cat and spoil him rotten. I will knit him a big comfy kitty bed and toys. Ok well I am going to wrap this up cause I have kitties meowing at me.

Awww She loves me

So You have met Kitten, or mitten or Kit TON, take your pick

she is a cute cat, a bit bratty but I blame that on her dad. All he does is wrestle with her so she usually doesn't like to cuddle to much. Well yesterday X was out of town, and all she did was cuddle, it was so nice. I think I forgot to show you her cute little dots see..


Now who I didn't tell you about was Lucy.

"stupid human just hand over the food"



"I will give you the stink eye till you give it to me"



She is not really "our" cat, I mean she pretty much lives on our porch and we feed her but she is not very friendly. If you get to close to her she swats at you (even as you are pouring the food in the bowl) and she spats at you. What can I say she is an ungratefull brat. At least that is what I thought until today. When I got home today she was sitting on the porch by the bowl (like normal) but she had brought me a thank you gift. A dead mole. A BIG dead mole. It was really cool actually but I forgot to take a picture of it. Sorry I know how bad you wanted to see a big dead mole. I thought it was sweet.

I hate the T.V.

Ok so I really need a job. Like now. I am sick of having NO money and anytime I want to buy something I have to ask for permission. What am I 12. This is just stupid. Plus I really want my own place. Not that I am misserable I mean we both pretty much realized we are roomates and have settled into that role, but I want my own place. I mean I have ALWAYS lived with a guy. I want to know that I can do it on my own. I don't don't need no stinking man. A housekeeper once a week would be nice, but not a man. I want to pay my own bills and sit around knitting and listening to music.

I hate having the T.V. on all the time. X thinks I am wierd and always looks at me like I am crazy when he comes home and I am sitting here reading or knitting without the T.V. on. He thinks something is wrong. Nothing is wrong with me, what is wrong with people that always have to have their T.V. on for noise, or entertainment. Can't you find something else to do but stare into the stupid box. Pick up a book, find a hobbie, go outside and garden. I get bitched at because I would rather read or knit than watch T.V. For some reason if I am sitting on the same couch but not staring into the same box X is I am ignoring him. I'm not ignoring you I am ignoring the box. Big difference.

UGH, I have to get ready to go to the Doctor. I hate going to the Doctor. I hate waiting for the doctor. At least I can knit while I wait. Yippee

Ok so I just finished working on my very first project. And here is the finished project. It is going to be a gift for my mother. What do you think?

My story

Ok so I guess I should begin, well where so I begin? I guess how I got where I am. My name is Kisha by the way, I Just turned 28 (god I am almost 30) I feel like I am 16 and people say I look 19 (Love it!). Anyways, I currenty live in Cedar Rapids IOWA. God I can't believe I ended up here. I am from New Orleans. And yes I lived there during Katrina and yes I lost my house. Don't feel bad for me it's ok, Stuff happens, and it was only things. My family survived and so did my pets

.

After the storm I moved back to Napa California for a while (I lived there from ages 2-11) But had a hard time finding a job (EMT) and realized I would NEVER be able to afford to buy a house there. So I moved back home, got a job and Lived with ..... the parents. NOTHING is worse than moving back home with your parents. You feel like a LOSER, plus you are so use to running things your way switching back to their way is not easy. All of a sudden your 14 again.

I had gotten a job as an EMT (Loved the work ,hated the company) but still never made enough money to afford my own apartment, post katrina New Orleans rent prices are outragous. Ok got off track. My best friend Lets call him X, has been in love with me for 8 years, I liked him but had a problem with our age difference (he is 21 years older). Well as I got older the whole age difference mattered less and how compatible we were together started to matter more. I mean I had dated some real losers and gave them a shot at love, yet here was the GREAT guy who was older than me that a blew off because of his age. So I decided to go for it. One big problem, he lived in texas.

At first he was going to move to N.O. but then some crap happened with his room mate and he just packed up and left and went back to his home town. You guessed it Cedar Rapids IOWA. So what do I decide to do. Move there to be with him and give love a chance. What was I thinking. I am in a small town, with nothing to do, no friends, no family and living with a guy I have never dated. Yes this is my life. What can I say I am a bit impulsive. But it's not like I didn't know him, we have been best friends for 8 years what else could I need to know. Right? HA.

So I have been here since September, I feel cheated and lied to he is COMPLETLY different than he portrayed him self to be for the last 8 years. I feel like I have been tricked. I mean he is a nice guy, just not the guy I thought he was. We have some very MAJOR different point of views and things I think are important. And things just are not going so well. We have settled into a nice room mate situation. UGH.

Right now I am getting ready to start school, I want to be a midwife, yep a baby catcher, so I am going to nursing school. I am currently looking for a job, and maybe my own place. I have decided that even though I don't really like it here, it's cheap, not nearly as hot as N.O. , and I am in a nursing program that would take me 2 years to get into back home. So I might as well stick it out for the next 2 years. After that I want to move to either Oregon, Washington, Tennesse, Or Virgina, OOOHH or upstate New York. I want Mountins, and streams and someplace pretty to live that is not hot as hell. I LOVE cold weather.

So that is my story up to Now. As for hobbies I knit, a lot. I just stared about a month ago and I am addicted. I wish there was a Stitch N Bitch here. It would be so nice to get out and be social, make some friends. So you will here a lot about knitting on here. Also I volunteer at the local animal shelter. I love animals. I was a zookeeper for a while (where I met X, he was my boss) and I have worked at shelters, pet stores you name it I have done it. I love to read. I am always surrounded by books and magazines, and I love the movies. Also I am addicted to my dog. She is the cutest thing in the world and I love her with all my heart. She is always at least within 5 feet of me. X hates her and hates how attached she is to me. We also have a cat, she is more his cat now, and he can't do anything with out her even go to the bathroom. I have never seen anyone so in love with anything as he is with his cat. WEIRD. And I have to mention Tenna, she was the best dog ever and I loved her very much, she passes away in december at 13 years old. She lives forever in my heart. So that is it for now.

Mia and all her cuteness

Kitten in X's sweater. It's a sad situation

Tenna and all her perfection